Long-Distance Relationship

Secrets Of Long-Distance RelationshipsWomen's magazines slip us the kind of information that we wouldn't find elsewhere; they reveal a female perspective that most men just aren't privy to. How they read into our behavior, how they perceive our actions, what their true expectations are... there's plenty to be learned from a glimpse into the other side.

AskMen.com will be providing you with just this kind of gender intelligence -- without the embarrassment that comes with retrieving it from your girlfriend's magazine rack. We'll be publishing a series of features from iVillage.com; articles originally written by women for women, but with insight that's invaluable to men. Of course, in exchange, we had to offer up some intelligence of our own... all the more reason for you to get on the inside track as soon as you can.

Long-distance loving

Men and women have an equally hard time dealing with the separation that’s involved in a long-distance relationship. The reality of only seeing your cross-country love once every few months can take its toll on anyone. That’s why iVillage.com is offering AskMen.com readers insight into how some couples have approached setting the boundaries for a successful long-distance relationship. See if you like their tips, and perhaps implement them into your own foreign fling.

Dealing with distance

You'd have to be a serious commitment-phobe to choose to live hundreds -- or even thousands -- of miles away from the man you love. But sometimes it's just not up to you. Career, school and family are just a few of the factors that keep lovers whispering sweet nothings into phones instead of each other's ears. But if you think a relationship is doomed because of distance, think again. According to stats compiled by the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships (yes, there really is such a thing), the myth that most long-distance relationships fail is just that: a myth. The reality is that more couples are making it work than you might think. Over one million couples are living in separate U.S. cities today, and another 700,000 LDR couples are actually married. So how do you stay close (and get even closer) when you're so far apart? It's not simple, but it's not impossible -- and these five tips can help.

1- Be clear about expectations up front

Don't wing it; plan ahead. According to Dr. Greg Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships and author of Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide, the difference between LDR couples who make it and ones who don't can be summed up in two words: ground rules. Dr. Guldner explains that nearly 70% of LDR couples who didn't anticipate changes -- or talk through their game plan for dealing with them -- broke up within six months. The most important point, of course, is, are we monogamous?

Sarah Davidson, a 32-year-old interior designer, and her boyfriend, Tom, had been dating for only six months when he got a fabulous promotion in San Francisco that paid $10,000 more than his old job. The catch: They lived in New York. Sarah recalls, "I was devastated when he gave me the news, but Tom insisted he wanted us to stay together. I knew he was committed to making it work when he suggested we actually write out rules for our relationship. These included: no nookie while apart, a call or e-mail at least once a day, see each other at least once every two months." The rules worked. Now the two are seeing even more of each other, since they're married and both living on the west coast.

2- Express yourself

Even couples sharing the same zip code frequently have trouble telling each other how they feel. So imagine how much harder it is for lovers who can't use the power of touch to stay connected. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages for Singles, says, "It's important to figure out how to make your long-distance partner feel cherished. This can be done with words. For example, 'If I were with you, I'd give you a big kiss.'" The relationship expert adds, "Share the day-to-day events going on in each other's lives. This is all geared to staying so close that when you do get together you won't have that awkward transition period where you feel like strangers."

New York PR account coordinator Kathleen Deegan and her fiance, Gene, have been challenged to stay close while he's been away at grad school in Maryland. Kathleen, 22, shares, "We've found that writing old-fashioned snail mail brings out our creative romantic  juices." She's got the right idea. Research shows the pen is mightier than the phone when it comes to LDRs; letter-writing couples have almost twice the chance of staying together compared with couples who never write. Kathleen and Gene go well beyond scribbling down a few lines. "Sometimes we clip cute articles from the paper to include, or funny song lyrics, and we even try our hand at poetry." Kathleen finishes, "I always go to my mailbox with anticipation." Of course, the e-mail inbox works too.

Keep the long-distance relationship going strong…

3- Enjoy your independence

Until their wedding  in 1999, Casey and Rob Amberg lived in different states; she lived in Arkansas, while he was in Missouri (where they now live together with their 2-year-old daughter). Casey, 29, says their relationship thrived despite the distance, partly because they retained their independence. "Being apart was hard, but it enabled us to continue growing as individuals while still remaining a couple. It was almost an empowering feeling to go out with friends and still feel committed in a relationship."

April Masini, dating coach and author of Date Out of Your League, wholeheartedly agrees with this strategy and takes it a step further. "Don't offer to drop your entire life and move to his city [right away], especially if this is a new and budding relationship . Not only does this make you look like a psycho and a stalker, relocation is a huge life-changing decision and is not to be taken lightly."

Eventually, of course, one or both of you hopefully will be able to move -- but the aim is compromise, not sacrifice. Whether you live apart or together, it's important not to make your partner your whole life.

4- Spice up the long-distance lovin'

Sure, sex is best when you're in the same room, and the happiest LDR couples strive to be together as often as possible. However, there are ways to keep the fires flaming from a distance. Creativity is key. That's why Rob Frankel created www.pillowmail.com, a site where you can instantly compose and e-mail each other erotic fantasies customized with your own dirty details.

It's true that mischievous messages may make you wish your lover were there to do all the things he wrote about. But his lack of physical presence doesn't mean you have to be left hot and bothered. Denise Jackson, a 34-year-old Texas pharmacist, and her boyfriend, who lives in North Carolina, regularly have down-and-dirty phone sex. Denise giggles, "Having a hands-free headset for the phone helps a lot." She adds, "At first I felt really funny saying sexual words when Tim wasn't actually with me. But practice made perfect." Once you're comfortable saying the words into a receiver, add some visuals. Dr. Guldner suggests using digital cameras to send photos to each other. Sparks are guaranteed.

5- Keep the faith

Yes, it's rough being apart, but harping on the negative can take a toll on the relationship. Dating coach Masini suggests, "Instead of moaning that you never see each other, talk about the interesting things you've been doing and ask what he's up to." This will help in two ways: He won't think you're obsessed with the relationship, and you won't be obsessed. The happier you act with your life, the happier you'll actually feel.

And here's a cheery thought to get you started. Dr. Guldner says, "The failure of LDRs is a misconception. Couples break up for many reasons, but my 10 years of research on this subject has shown that distance doesn't seem to be one of them. Indeed, couples in LDRs report the same levels of intimacy , trust, commitment, and satisfaction as geographically close couples." It's confirmed: Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Phone Booth

Chinese Proverbs

Learn famous Chinese Proverbs
 Chinese proverbs (諺語, yànyŭ) are famous sayings taken from literature, history, and famous people like philosophers. There are hundreds of Chinese proverbs addressing all aspects of life from education and work to personal goals and relationships.

Chinese Proverbs about Education/Personal Development:

After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.

A book holds a house of gold.

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood.

A fall into a ditch makes you wiser.

If you do not study hard when young you'll end up bewailing your failures as you grow up.

If a son is uneducated, his dad is to blame.

A Jade stone is useless before it is processed; a man is good-for-nothing until he is educated.

The longer the night lasts, the more our dreams will be.

Of all the strategems, to know when to quit is the best.

One cannot refuse to eat just because there is a chance of being choked.

Chinese Proverbs about Work.

Add legs to the snake after you have finished drawing it.

An ant may well destroy a whole dam.

Behind an able man there are always other able men.

Butcher the donkey after it finished his job on the mill.

A dish of carrot hastily cooked may still has soil uncleaned off the vegetable.

Dismantle the bridge shortly after crossing it.

Distant water won't help to put out a fire close at hand.

Distant water won't quench your immediate thirst.

Do not employ handsome servants.

Do not want others to know what you have done? Better not have done it anyways.

Chinese Proverbs about Personal Characteristics/Goals

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

Better do a good deed near at home than go far away to burn incense.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

A camel standing amidst a flock of sheep.

Clear conscience never fears midnight knocking.

A crane standing amidst a flock of chickens.

Crows everywhere are equally black.

A dog won't forsake his master because of his poverty; a son never deserts his mother for her homely appearance.

Dream different dreams while on the same bed.

If you want happiness for an hour; take a nap. If you want happiness for a day; go fishing. If you want happiness for a month; get married. If you want happiness for a year; inherit a fortune.

If you want happiness for a lifetime; help someone else.

To believe in one's dreams is to spend all of one's life asleep.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

A good fortune may forbode a bad luck, which may in turn disguise a good fortune.

Have a mouth as sharp as a dagger but a heart as soft as tofu.

Have one's ears pierced only before the wedding ceremony starts.

A horse cannot gain weight if not fed with extra fodder during the night; a man cannot become wealthy without earnings apart from his regular salaries.

How can you expect to find ivory in a dog's mouth?

If you have never done anything evil, you should not be worrying about devils to knock at your door.

An inch of time is an inch of gold but you can't buy that inch of time with an inch of gold.

Lift a stone only to drop on your own feet.

Once bitten by a snake, he/she is scared all his/her life at the mere sight of a rope.

No wind, no waves.

An overcrowded chicken farm produce fewer eggs.

Pick up a sesame seed but lose sight of a watermelon.

Play a harp before a cow.

Paper can't wrap up a fire.

Reshape one's foot to try to fit into a new shoe.

Regular feet can't be affected by irregular shoes.

Shed no tears until seeing the coffin.

A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

A sly rabbit will have three openings to its den.

Some prefer carrot while others like cabbage.

Three humble shoemakers brainstorming will make a great statesman.

You can't catch a cub without going into the tiger's den.

You think you lost your horse? Who knows, he may bring a whole herd back to you someday.

You won't help shoots grow by pulling them up higher.

You can't expect both ends of a sugar cane are as sweet.

Your fingers can't be of the same length.

Age and time do not wait for people.

Attack is the best defense.

Bad things never walk alone. 

Chinese Proverbs about Relationships:

A tiger never returns to his prey he did not finish off.

Vicious as a tigeress can be, she never eats her own cubs.

We are not so much concerned if you are slow as when you come to a halt.

A weasel comes to say Happy New Year to the chickens.

When you are poor, neighbors close by will not come; once you become rich, you'll be surprised by visits from (alleged) relatives afar.

Without rice, even the cleverest housewife cannot cook.

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.

With true friends...even water drunk together is sweet enough.

To attract good fortune, spend a new coin on an old friend, share an old pleasure with a new friend, and lift up the heart of a true friend by writing his name on the wings of a dragon.

Mankind fears an evil man but heaven does not.

Not the cry, but the flight of the wild duck, leads the flock to fly and follow.

Not wine...men intoxicate themselves; Not vice...men entice themselves.

A dog won't forsake his master because of his poverty; a son never deserts his mother for her homely appearance.

Even a hare will bite when it is cornered.

Once on a tiger's back, it is hard to alight.

Mend the pen only after the sheep are all gone.

Public before private and country before family.

One monk shoulders water by himself; two can still share the labor among them. When it comes to three, they have to go thirsty.

Only when all contribute their firewood can they build up a strong fire.

One joy scatters a hundred griefs.

Flies never visit an egg that has no crack.

How can you put out a fire set on a cart-load of firewood with only a cup of water?

It is easy to dodge a spear that comes in front of you but hard to keep harms away from an arrow shot from behind.

Kill a chicken before a monkey.

Kill one to warn a hundred.

A Better Way To Life

Truths for a Way Better Life!

Firstly, I want to point out that by ‘truth’ here, I am not intending to claim absolutes in any way, but more share some fundamental awarenesses that have rung true for me personally, and have worked positively without fail time and time again in my life.

I do encourage you to at least ‘try them on’, however.

1. You are loved, loving and loveable, ever and always.

Love, for yourself, others and the world, is the well-spring and foundation from which all good things rise, both in the giving and receiving of that love.

You are loved totally and unconditionally by the source of creation, whatever name you hold for that. There is nothing you need DO to be loved, for you are loved completely, and there’s nothing you can do to lose that love.

You are loved in entirety, and you are loving. Whatever your past, whatever your guilt, shame, or remorse, darkness, failings or regrets you have yet to forgive yourself for, these are simply mistakes. They are not who you are. Your TRUE essential nature is beautiful, loving and kind.

Forgive yourself for all mistakes,
the lost or wounded you did make.

People ‘act bad’ primarily because they feel they are bad, or because they are wounded, hurt, angry, misled, misaligned, have low self-worth or self-hate even, or hold faulty beliefs about themselves, others and the world.

The worse you feel about yourself, the worse you are likely to behave. Conversely, the better you feel about yourself, the better you are likely to behave.

Own and acknowledge your inherent worth and innate loving nature. Forgive yourself and return to the innocence that you are. You are born of love, returning to love. You are a spark of the divine. You are eternally loved, loving and loveable, always.

However separate from that love you ever feel sometimes, in truth it is always there for you. 

2. Lessons from a butterfly: embrace change and don’t be shy!

“Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.” ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

The wheel of life turns, and for a good reason, whether you know it at the time or not.

Change can always be an opening for opportunity, growth, and a better life. Trust in life’s turning seasons and be open to F L O W. The universe is always on your side.

When I talk about change here, I’m not referring to erratic, inconsistent behavior or an excuse for a lack of responsibility or commitment, but about being open, flexible and fluid, and letting your life breathe, move and DANCE to allow for growth and expansion, letting go of what does not serve you, and allowing more gifts to come in.

And of course you can be proactive with change owning and harnessing the power of your choice. What changes could you make right now to better your life?

Sometimes change begins with holding a new vision, or a new attitude, or way of thinking, and with taking small steps. As I always say…

Baby steps lead to monumental change!

What changes would instantly brighten your life? Would it be more time for rest and relaxation, or more time for fun and socializing, or ceasing certain habits (physical, mental or emotional), a change in your routine, more time in nature, more time with people, or more time alone? Is a change in job, home or relationships calling you?

And what needs to change on the inside to help with these changes? Who do you need to forgive? Yourself? Another? What thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes could you change that would create a better life?

Spontaneity in itself can help to lighten your life, and initiate greater flow, rather than you’re a continued set or controlled way of doing things. If you’re too rigid or confined with plans and expectations and how things ‘should be’, it’s hard for the new and unexpected to come in, or blessings and synchronicities to arrive.

We often fear change, partly because we fear the unknown and unfamiliar, or sometimes out of loyalty to people in our past, and often because we think with change will come some kind of loss.

The next truth on letting go deals with this aspect, exploring how all endings herald a new birth! 

Sometimes we fear change because we fear greater responsibility, stepping into our power, being humiliated, rejected, being visible, or any other number of reasons.

Sometimes change is scary because it involves the breakdown of something existing in our life.

Trust in the flow. Sun follows rain like day follows night.
What may seem to be going wrong may, in fact, be going right!

Trust in yourself and your power as a creator. And trust in the universe; it only ever wants the best for you.

Sometimes the road of change is rocky, tumultuous even, which is why we may fear or resist it, yet it can still be for our best.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos .” ~ Deepak Chopra

What we resist becomes more painful. What we embrace through acceptance, with the light of hope and the wings of faith, can become joyful.

Bend like the willow in the breeze and life will flow with greater ease!

If you don’t embrace change, it can become more and more painful staying where you are. If you don’t listen to the whispers they become shouts. Patterns repeat until you heal and change.

Sometimes life gives you a shake you up to help you WAKE UP!

All change can be opportunity! 

3) In letting go you can only win.

This is what I regard to be a universal principle, whereby, if something is truly for your best, if you let it go, it will always come back, and if doesn’t, it’s because something better will.

Understanding this can grant a new level of faith and trust, and delete a lot of unnecessary fear, pain and resistance that comes with holding on.

Holding on actually repels that which you desire. Its energy is needy and controlling, which renders you less attractive. It doesn’t matter if you act out that energy or not, people will sense it anyway. It is sourced in fear and scarcity.

Choose instead trust and positive expectation instead. Have faith that the turning of the wheel is in your favour. Unless you’re sabotaging yourself, it always is.

When you let go, be that of a person or situation, you create the space for something new to arrive, whether that be the very thing you let go of at a new level, or something altogether brand new that would serve you better. In this sense, in letting go you can only win.

Nature abhors a vacuum. When you loosen your grip, when you empty your cup, it will ALWAYS be refilled.

You have to wholeheartedly let go though. This may include feeling the feelings and going through phases of grief, yet on the other side, a new start awaits!

At the end of any goodbye, awaits a new hello to dry the tear from your eye

As Rumi so neatly puts it, “Do not grieve . Anything you lose comes round in another form”.

Or as Carolyn Myss writes, “Everything lost is found again”.

4) Thoughts become things.

Now, this is certainly not a new idea, and with concepts like the ‘law of attraction’ and ‘mind over matter’ becoming more mainstream, it’s beginning to be more widely accepted.

That said, I think it is always worth reminding ourselves just how powerful our thoughts are.

“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.” ~ Peace Pilgrim

When we dissect our world to the subatomic level, we discover there is nothing solid at all!

Your world is comprised of wavelengths of energy that respond directly to your thoughts. At the deepest level, reality is essentially a reflection and extension of the entirety of your consciousness.

Of course, that consciousness reaches into other lives and the subconscious and unconscious mind, so it’s no wonder we don’t always know what’s going on or why.

That said, taking responsibility can still be freeing and empowering nonetheless; what we take responsibility for we are more able to change.

Perceived challenges, blocks or limitations ‘out there’, can be resolved by addressing and transforming the inner discordance that lies at their root.

You are source, not subject, of your world!

Life is your canvas… imagination your palate… choice & desire the brush and the strokes.

Beneath many thoughts, of course, are your beliefs, and it’s these that are most fundamental when it comes to shaping your reality, and determining your very thoughts.

You can clear negative beliefs and install positive beliefs with the Belief Buster Kit (at this link).

Your imagination is a powerful tool to breathe life into your intentions and visualize your dreams.

Putting yourself in the shoes of your brightest future, and most importantly, the positive happy feelings of that future you, is key to attracting those realities.

This is what I call Future Causation, and the Manifesting Blueprint Meditation (part of the Miracle Manifesting Program at this link ) activates this through a guided meditation to manifest your goals and encode your subconscious mind for their realization in your world.

5) Behind everyone’s eyes there’s a child somewhere inside; always be kind!

This is a reminder for daily compassion. Seek to understand and to see the innocence in all.

Everyone has a soft-centre, however well camouflaged, compensated for or covered over.

Inside, we are all much like soft boiled eggs, and have squishy hearts of gold!

It’s often the people that act the worst that are the most deprived of love, so have compassion, whilst retaining boundaries and self-respect, of course.

Acts of kindness have been proven to have mental, emotional and even physical benefits to those that deliver them, through increasing levels of oxytocin in the body.

Even relatively small acts are certainly worthwhile, for others and for you! That might be letting someone through in traffic, giving someone your seat on a train, offering sincere compliments, opening a door, taking the time to really listen, buying someone a book, feeding ducks in a pond, baking someone a cake, writing someone a thank-you card, volunteering, treating someone to lunch, writing a poem for someone, etc.

And always remember…

Kind words said in love, leave footprints on the soul.

The more you love and forgive yourself, the more compassionate you will towards others, so let the journey start with yourself.

Everyone has a soft-centre, however well camouflaged, compensated for or covered over. See the light and softness in others and it will blossom and bloom. The more beauty you see in others, the more beautiful they become, and the more beautiful YOU become too

Love and joy,

Life Through Banana

Kisii Women Improving Life Through Banana

 

When a women's group in Kisii County started as a merry- go-round 15 years ago, no one thought that they would come up with a brilliant idea of adding value to bananas. Many people fundamentally know bananas as delicious fruits common in Gusiiland. In fact, almost every home in the area has the crop in its compound. But Kenyuni Women Group found in Nyaura ward in Kisii district has since set an example that bananas are not only cooked or ripened but can also be used to bake many other food products.

Despite the many odds, the group with a membership of 20 now makes queen cakes, bread, biscuits, crisps, ugali flour, banana porridge and banana jam among other delicacies from the banana crop. The women say they came up with the idea after they discovered that middle men were exploiting them by giving then as little as Sh 100 per banana bunch.

Because of the high demand of their products by locals, the group agreed that each member plants at least 30 suckers or more with those who have large parcels of land to avoid a shortage of the crop. A visit to one of their farms where they get bananas for their mini bakery revealed that the group comprising of five widows is committed to fighting poverty through the venture.

According to the group leader Everline Onserio, the farm contains varieties of bananas including the ripening and baking varieties. “We have varieties which are only used for ripening and those for baking. Each member has planted some in her piece of land to avoid a shortage,” Onserio said.

Onserio explained that when the crop is ready, it is carefully harvested and treated with salt water so that they do not get dirty before they are transported on a motorbike to their ‘factory’ situated at Menyinkwa buying centre, a kilometre away. She said that they make bread, chapati and mandazi from ripened bananas which they sell to the public at affordable prices. “Even though we face many challenges in our business, we are committed to making our families earn a living through our small income,” Onserio said. “Our products are chemical free that is why we encourage people to buy and consume them. The biggest challenge we are facing is marketing. If we would have a ready market them we will be making brisk business,” she added.

The group leader says that most of what they make is purchased by the locals who flock their bakery from morning to evening because of the quality of the products. Most of the residents interviewed praised the group saying that their products are local and original compared to those sold in supermarkets. They said they have since changed their eating habits, diet and mostly consume the products because they are nutritious.

Onserio disclosed that apart from the locals, they receive customers from towns as far as Nairobi who order for cakes especially for wedding ceremonies. The women's leader said her group has a strict record keeping tradition monitored by Veronica Nafula whom they sponsored to go for training to study financial management. “As you see we keep records on daily transactions because we want to establish whether we are making progress or not. Initially when we didn’t have such records it was difficult for us to know the position of our business,” she said.

Showing one of the charts in their office, Nafula said the group used get Sh299, 000 before value addition annually but now they rake in Sh635,000 per year. Following their progress, a group member has since composed a Kiswahili poem in which she praises the banana as a plant that can help the community jump out of poverty.

At a time like this, when Kenyans are feeling the heat occasioned by inflation, Onserio said that food security can be attained if banana production and value addition is embraced. Onserio added: “I think time has come for Kenyans to change their eating habits and embrace ugali cooked from banana flour instead of maize flour,”

She called on well wishers to come to their aid and help them with funds to purchase baking equipment to increase their production. The leader asked the concerned authorities to assist them get a patent from Kenya Bureau of Standards (KEBS) so that their products can be sold even in supermarkets and other outlets on limited time as they have to attend to other family duties.

But Kisii deputy mayor, Patrick Siro who is the area councillor and group patron is optimistic that the group will be successful in the long run. Siro said there is need for more funding to the group so that members can attain food security and improve their economic base. The Nyaura ward civic leader expressed optimism that the ongoing construction of a banana factory near Kisii town will help growers of the crop and alleviate poverty.

Members of the group underwent a 40- week training courtesy of the ministry of Agriculture, a few years back where were sensitized on how to plant, rear, harvest, handle the produce and add value so as to earn more money and they are reaping dividends from this venture. They got initial funding of Sh120,000 through the Njaa Marufuku Kenya and an additional Sh127,000 from Showmap, which they used to buy the modern disease resistant crop, rent a house and buy a few machines for the business.

Ben Mogaka a businessman said that such groups should be funded because it is the only way to fight poverty in the society. “Groups with such noble ideas should be funded because they play a pivotal role towards the realisation of vision 2030,” Mogaka said. Mogaka who is also secretary of the chamber of commerce, Kisii branch, said there is need to look for ways to enable the group get exposure through exhibitions.

He added Banks should give the group soft loans to enable them enhance their business. “I also call upon well wishers to come to the aid of the group saying as a chamber of commerce they will visit the group and see how they can be helped,” he added. Mogaka asked the constituency poverty eradication committees to pay the women a visit how they can help them because it is within their mandate.

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